Creating Intimacy, Creating Distance

At the RELATIONSHIP INSTITUTE, we believe every person in a relationship is responsible for co-creating whatever they experience in the relationship. If you are in a relationship, review the two lists below and see what you are creating more of: intimacy or distance. If you want to create more intimacy, this list is a good guideline for how to do so behaviorally. If you are unable or unwilling to do the things on this list consistently, you may need help in learning how to do so, either through Individual Therapy or Couples Therapy.

FACTORS WHICH PROMOTE INTIMACY AND CLOSENESS BETWEEN PARTNERS:

regular, consistent attention for one another and the relationship

respect for one another and the relationship

regular healthy verbal communication

regular physical contact (frequency and type mutually agreed upon)

frequent eye contact -passion, excitement and fun together

promotion of physical and emotional safety at all times

spontaneous surprises on occasion

regular expression of caring & tenderness as defined by your partner

regular expression of feelings

using conflict resolution skills when conflict emerges

creating regular time alone together, without distraction

anger and resentments expressed and resolved

realistic expectations which are regularly communicated

asking for what you want

saying and/or doing what is truthful and honest for you

being honest and straightforward with your partner

acceptance of your partner's personality and characteristics

promoting your partner's growth as an individual

taking responsibility for your relationship/life problems

understanding the impact of your family of origin on your relationship

taking the time to listen to what your partner thinks and feels

living in the present and envisioning a positive future together

emphasize solutions and positivity

FACTORS WHICH PROMOTE DISTANCE BETWEEN PARTNERS:

lack of attention to one another and the relationship

lack of respect for one another and the relationship

lack of healthy verbal communication

lack of physical contact

lack of eye contact

lack of passion, excitement and fun together

verbal, physical and/or emotional abuse

predictable, routine interactions

few expressions of caring & tenderness

unexpressed feelings

avoiding conflict or avoiding resolution of conflict

avoiding time alone together

presence of unspoken or unresolved anger and resentment

unexpressed or unrealistic expectations and assumptions

being afraid to ask for what you want

saying and/or doing only what you think your partner wants

lying, deceiving, game playing, passive aggression

trying to change your partner's basic character

stifling your partners' growth as an individual

blaming your partner for most or all of your relationship/life problems

ignoring the impact of your family of origin on your relationship

assuming your know what your partner thinks and feels

living in the past

emphasize problems and negativity