At the RELATIONSHIP INSTITUTE, we believe every person in a relationship is responsible for co-creating whatever they experience in the relationship.  If you are in a relationship, review the two lists below and see what you are creating more of:  intimacy or distance.   If you want to create more intimacy, this list is a good guideline for how to do so behaviorally.  If you are unable or unwilling to do the things on this list consistently, you may need help in learning how to do so, either through Individual Therapy or Couples Therapy.

FACTORS WHICH PROMOTE INTIMACY AND CLOSENESS BETWEEN PARTNERS:

• regular, consistent attention for one another and the relationship
• respect for one another and the relationship
• regular healthy verbal communication
• regular physical contact (frequency and type mutually agreed upon)
• frequent eye contact -passion, excitement and fun together
• promotion of physical and emotional safety at all times
• spontaneous surprises on occasion
• regular expression of caring & tenderness as defined by your partner
• regular expression of feelings
• using conflict resolution skills when conflict emerges
• creating regular time alone together, without distraction
• anger and resentments expressed and resolved
• realistic expectations which are regularly communicated
• asking for what you want
• saying and/or doing what is truthful and honest for you
• being honest and straightforward with your partner
• acceptance of your partner’s personality and characteristics
• promoting your partner’s growth as an individual
• taking responsibility for your relationship/life problems
• understanding the impact of your family of origin on your relationship
• taking the time to listen to what your partner thinks and feels
• living in the present and envisioning a positive future together
• emphasize solutions and positivity

FACTORS WHICH PROMOTE DISTANCE BETWEEN PARTNERS:

• lack of attention to one another and the relationship
• lack of respect for one another and the relationship
• lack of healthy verbal communication
• lack of physical contact
• lack of eye contact
• lack of passion, excitement and fun together
• verbal, physical and/or emotional abuse
• predictable, routine interactions
• few expressions of caring & tenderness
• unexpressed feelings
• avoiding conflict or avoiding resolution of conflict
• avoiding time alone together
• presence of unspoken or unresolved anger and resentment
• unexpressed or unrealistic expectations and assumptions
• being afraid to ask for what you want
• saying and/or doing only what you think your partner wants
• lying, deceiving, game playing, passive aggression
• trying to change your partner’s basic character
• stifling your partners’ growth as an individual
• blaming your partner for most or all of your relationship/life problems
• ignoring the impact of your family of origin on your relationship
• assuming your know what your partner thinks and feels
• living in the past
• emphasize problems and negativity